Have you ever felt like your options have run out? Like you’ve been pushed into a corner (of your own making…) and don’t know what to do or where to turn?

I reached that point in the early summer of 2006. My husband, Sebastian, had been made redundant from his job in the December of 2005. It wasn’t an easy time for anyone, particularly him. I remember praying one day and asking God, ‘What can I do to help Sebastian?’ He said two things back to me (I even remember where I was sitting at the time – in my car behind a Marks and Spencers!). He said ‘ Buy a camera and Isaiah 61′.

You see, for two years since He had told me what He had wanted me to do, I had put it off. Procrastinated. I thought that I had some major mission to fulfill with my life and He wanted me to do t shirts? Don’t get me wrong here, I was up for the t shirt idea, after all I had been searching, but I was waiting for the rest of the mission to be revealed to me….and all I was getting was t shirts. Hmmm, talk about pride (who, me?).

I wrestled daily with pride, insecurity, doubt and fear. Had I heard God correctly? T shirts? What difference would they make to a sad, hungry world? Where was my BIG MISSION with ‘DEBORAH PAUL – GLOBAL AMBASSADOR’ written? I would say back to Him, whenever He reminded me of the t shirts, ‘But Lord, these are just t shirts!” and I often felt a slight rush of wind over my head, as if someone was gently smacking me over the head! And He would always reply ‘ These are not just any t shirts, they are My t shirts”. Still, I put it, and Him off. Ever done that?

So, back to the day in the car and the camera….(I ignored the Isaiah 61 bit). I could do that part! I hadn’t really wanted to go back into photography, but I figured, hey, it’s just a camera. I was willing to be a little obedient, but not fully. I would buy the camera to get the Big Guy off my back, but then not really do much with it (at least that was my thinking – I forgot and still do that He can see the attitudes of our heart!!). I went and bought a new camera, digital, just to freak me out ( I was an old-fashioned photographer..). It sat in my cupboard for awhile.

Now, fast forward to May 2006. I am sitting in the car again outside the boys’ school (I once asked Him why I always heard Him so clearly when I was in my car and He replied that it was the only time I took to speak to Him – ouch!). So this time I am crying and asking Him what to do because Sebastian has still not got a job and the money is running low, really really low…And He says to me ‘Isaiah 61′ and I say to Him ‘But LORD!! They are just t shirts!” and He says to me – and reader, I want you to catch this, hold on to this point, because it is one of the most important lessons I have learnt. He said so quietly, so quickly, that I knew it was a God thought ‘If you don’t start Isaiah 61 I will pass you by and find someone else to do this for Me, because this is a job I want done’ (Selah, pause calmly and think on that….) Wow, that took me by complete and utter surprise. I mean, I was offended! How dare you pass me up?! this is my little business! this is MINE MINE MINE! and by the way God, do you know who I am?