I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how Isaiah looks and feels. More importantly, how God wants it to look and feel.
The other day, I had a meeting with three wonderful people who have come alongside of me to give me some much needed advice. We were talking about roads and which one to take for Isaiah – which one best represented who Isaiah is.

One of them asked me’ Do you want to be the High Road?’ -  that is the road specially designed for those who have a faith and would ‘get us’ in an instant.

‘Or, do you want to be the Low Road’  – that is the road that keeps who we are and what we represent quiet – let’s not shout about it on this road!!

Finally he asked me ‘ Or, do you want to take the middle road and be a bridge between the two?’ Well, that one sort of fit in my spirit, but I wasn’t quite sure what to say in response – all I knew is what God had told me to do, which was to take His word out onto the streets, to be on the retail high street, but with messages that made a difference. You know, the light went into the dark places and lit it up. That sort of thing.

So, I took it to Him the next morning. I asked Him which road to take and to be and how He saw it. I went through my three options, the High Road? The Middle Road and the bridge? Or do you want me to take the Low Road? Which one Father?

And this is what He said. Jesus was and is a bridge. Be a bridge.

I love that. That is so cool – Jesus is a bridge. So, friends, we are traveling along the Middle Road. I get a feeling that this one is narrow and marked with  a lot hard choices, and little compromise, but this is what He said, so this is what we do. Because I know my God and I know He loves me and I know He is with me in the hard times and the easy times.

Amen, so be it.

dp x

I’m not sure if you are anything like me. You see, I struggle with the whole ’servant heart’ thing, the whole mentality that I am here to serve. You see, I know it in my head, but my heart says something very different. It became very apparent to me over this Christmas, where we have had family to stay, friends coming and going and me? Well ‘grumpy’ sums me up pretty well. Grumpy that my time is not my own, grumpy that I have to be kind and loving when I don’t feel like it -gosh, that is SUCH a tough one, eh?

Maybe it’s because I have been asking Him to show me the attitudes of my heart that block me from knowing Him more intimately that I feel I have had this overwhelming dump of revelation!

So, I am sitting in my kitchen watching the rain come down and hearing nothing but that and the sound of my son Gabriel watching cartoons next door and I feel, hmmm, peaceful. But it’s always the way isn’t it? When there is no major strife to contend with, we can do ‘peace’. What I really really desire is to feel this peaceful in the midst of the chaos. When relationships get strained (as they do with families and what is it about Christmas that makes it so bad?!). That is when I want to remember that I am a servant and I can choose to wear love instead of my cloak of grumpiness (well, like body armour really – that sort of ‘don’t mess with me look…’). So, actually I am also sitting here feeling rather ashamed of myself. I always thought this God stuff would be easy, you know, ask, receive etc etc…but actually we need to partner with Him in bringing the change about.

I want to tell you a story about the first time I really understood the servant thing. I had just started Isaiah properly (about three years after He had asked me too!) and I was needing to get some business cards printed. You see, I was off to my first festival with the t shirts and the idea, and I was full of hope and anticipation. My graphic designer rang me one day and said ‘What title do you want on your business card?’ Now, I really struggle with titles, don’t know why exactly, just always have. I think it’s something to do with being defined by what I ‘do’ rather than who I ‘am’. Anyway, I was driving down to pick up the boys from school and Michael, my graphic guy, needed an answer asap.

So, I am in the car and I am speaking to Him about it and what I should call myself on the business card.

CEO? I said..

Him: ‘But I run the company and I am the CEO’

ME: ‘oh yeah, well how about Managing Director?”

Him: ‘Well, Jesus does that job pretty well’

Me: ‘Okay! I know (and reader, this is the one I really wanted as I love this title because to me it sounds so cool) How about Creative Director?’

boy, was I excited about this one…

Him: ‘Where do you get all of your creative ideas from?’

Then, He dropped a word gently into my heart and I knew right then that He was right. It hurt a bit, because it sounded so not of this world and I was struggling with the idea of having it say that on my business card.

I said ‘ Are you serious? Do you really really want me to write that on my business card? I mean, that will look a bit weird, won’t it?’

He very kindly told me that I didn’t need to write it on my business card, in fact I didn’t need to write any title on my business card. Just my name. Plain and simple.

But the word that He dropped into my heart that day?

SERVANT

Then He very gently told me to remember who I was and that servant was a very high calling indeed. That humbled me, totally got me on my knees.

We went to Clapham Junction yesterday, Ramona and I (Ramona is an angel dressed up like a human…she has worked with me for a year now for free because God told her too. Now that is obedience…and major patience..). We went to give away a bunch of t shirts for our One for All initiative. We wanted to step out and step into agreement with God’s plan for Isaiah. You know, put a marker down and declare that this is what we are doing for Him. Forget the part that he asked me to do this 5 years ago. He is full of patience and if I act as if I take that lightly, trust me, I don’t.

One of the things that struck me to profoundly was how many people did not want to receive. Here we are, standing in the freezing cold saying to people ‘Would you like a free t shirt, no catch’.  Most people hurried on by without even looking at us. It made me think of what it must have been like for Jesus. Now, I am not comparing myself with Him, but I though, wow, He came down to us, for us, to give us eternal life, to give us LOVE and so many of us can’t/won’t/don’t receive it. We just walk on by without stopping. That made me feel so sad. It made me understand Sacrificial Love, in a way I had not done before. He sacrificed His life for us. Me? a few t shirts – doesn’t compare now does it?

Some of the people who did take the t shirts, asked us suspiciously, ‘Why are you doing this?’ Sometimes I said because ‘God told me to’ and sometimes we explained the idea behind One for All (for every t shirt we sell, we have to give another one away). These were the folk who stepped hesitantly towards the love, but thought perhaps there would be a sting in the tail. Then we had the group who were like ‘Free t shirts? Great, yeah, give me one!’ We even had one guy say, ‘I’ll take two’ and I am afraid to admit that in my own judgemental and suspicious way I thought ‘We’ll great, he’s got his Christmas shopping done!’. Don’t worry now, I’ve dealt with my attitude, we’re cool.

We did meet some amazing people and got the opportunity to pray for a group of guys from the British Red Cross. That really humbled me. They told us that they were so encouraged and touched by how natural we were with our faith and beliefs. So, I am on my knees, really on my knees that He would use a wounded solider to bring light into others’ lives. It amazes me.

I am sure that there is a parable in this story. I’m feeling a bit tired today, so I am not able to draw it, but if you do, let me know.

So, what did it teach me? Well, it was very uncomfortable stepping out and being obedient. It was scary but I learnt that if you keep walking, you just walk through the fear. That is a big one for me. I learnt that you can’t force love on others, they need to be willing to receive it, which brought me to think, am I willing to receive it? Am I really willing to receive unconditional love? No strings attached? That’s a big one. I’m thinking about it.

I have a really good friend called John. That’s him up there in the photo at the top – the handsome one on the bike.  John and his lovely family recently moved to Los Angeles ( I REFUSE to walk in envy!! I grew up in LA and loved it….). One day, about two weeks before John moved to LA,  we were messing about with cameras and motorbikes and dreaming of road trips..John mentioned this friend of his that he wished he had been able to introduce me too. Suffice to say, I really wanted to meet this guy, because he is a true maverick in his line of work and could potentially give me and Isaiah some wise advice.

I didn’t want to hassle John (please oh please oh please arrange it!!) because John, being the utterly selfless and generous type, had already done a lot for me. I was really having to hold back on the whole begging routine (plus it’s not a classy look, eh?). I kinda gave it up to God. Let it go. Moved on.

At this time (and only three days later)  our youngest son was performing in an awesome production called the ‘Life of Christ’ on the Wintershall estate. If you haven’t seen it, book for next summer. It is done in four acts and the audience actually becomes part of the cast. You really need to see it to understand, but in a nutshell, each act is about an hour long, and then you move to a new location for the next one. We had gone down as a family and a bunch of friends to see Gabriel and his class perform (knockout!).

With all the friends and family settled at the top of a hill to view the first act, I decided to go down to the front to take some pictures of the kids. It was pretty packed out down there, so I moved to an area that just a few people were sitting. I remember taking in a couple to my left, a young girl, and a few others nearby, but other than that, in this particular area, it was just us.

Now, I think having worked as a photographer, I tend to notice small details. I noticed that the guy sitting next to me was also taking photos but with a really cool camera phone. He also had a beautiful leather postman-type bag next to him, the kind I would love to have in Isaiah’s collection one day. On the ground between us was a programme of the production. I picked it up to have a read and suddenly remembered that mine was up with my mum on the hill. I put it back down again and said sorry to the guy. He did rather an odd thing for an Englishman – he put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze and said ‘Take it, have a look’ or words to that effect. NB: I love Englishmen, heck, I am married to one, but you have to admit they are not known for their random acts of shoulder squeezes, now, are they?

As I turned back to the production, the Holy Spirit said to me ‘ That’s BJ’ (the guy that I wanted John to introduce me to…………em, WOW). I did sit for a moment in stunned disbelief, but I knew what I had heard. I turned to the guy and asked him if he was indeed BJ. Well, of course he was. We then had this funny conversation with him asking me how I knew who he was if we had never met before. It’s a bit, how shall I put this, weird to say to someone you have never met, and have no idea if they are going to think you are a total and utter nutter, that the Holy Spirit has just told me. We ended up having a brilliant day with BJ and his daughter joining us for lunch.  It was awesome and mind-blowing and so very God, up to His old tricks of ‘Let’s throw a miracle her way’. You know the ones, they come completely out of the blue and take us so by surprise.

So, I learnt a huge lesson in trust that day. And this is what it is. If God has something for you, someone He wants you to meet, or something he wants you to do – and we get in agreement with that for our lives – He will make it happen. Truly there is nothing He can’t do, no one He can’t introduce you to. As much as I love John, God showed me that relying on other people is not the answer, relying on Him is. He will open doors that no man can shut. If we trust in Him, if we trust in Him. I think I have said before that I have no idea what the future holds for Isaiah – but He does. All I have to do is what He asks of me, when He asks me to, and finally I just get to sit back and watch Him perform His miracles. What an honour.

Today I am not feeling great. Not really in the praising mode…feeling a bit sorry for myself and contemplating how long I can stay at my pity party for.

You see, we had some upsetting news last week and once again, we find ourselves in the valley of unknowing. It is one thing to trust Him when the going is good and the sun is shining. Well, we all know that story. I can’t really go into details of our situation at the moment, but it hurts and has got us into an uncomfortable place. That place of trusting in the hard times, when the going gets tough. Reaching out for an invisible God and feeling like I am only holding onto thin air.

But, I heard this wonderful line recenly – when you feel that you have not a lot to be thankful for, practice ‘Purposeful Thanksgiving’. Practice ‘Purposeful Praise’. It says that we enter into His courts with praise and thanksgiving, and when I look at my life and the lives of my family, there is just to much to be thankful for and my heart swells with His generosity towards us. I mean, how can I not be grateful? Wow, just writing this down makes me feel so much better and I can sort of feel Him smiling on me. What an awsome feeling, knowing that in all things, He is there and He works all things out for good, for those who put their trust in Him.

Oh yeah, bring it on! Or as Joyce Meyer would say, ‘Come on now!!”

I went to an amazing prophetic conference recently. My friend’s Chloe and Stuart Glassborrow from Catch the Fire UK, hosted Isabel Allum. Wow, was she great. She spoke such a word that went straight into my spirit, which was this.

We ask for faith, but faith comes to us supernaturally. We think that we need to ‘have faith’ or ‘get faith’ in order to get what we are praying for, or perhaps just to please God. Actually, Isabel said, all we have been asked to do it to BELIEVE. Which comes first, the cart or the horse? Good question, but her point was that all God asks us to do, is simply believe. It’s when we believe that our faith supernaturally begins to grow within us. It’s when we declare His goodness and trust in Him completely, that our faith – our belief, can move mountains. This was a big revelation moment for me. I am sure most of you already knew this, but I have been a bit of a slow learner…

But I had another reason for going to listen to Isabel. I wanted her to prophesy over me! I wanted her to call out from the front ‘You there! thus saith the Lord unto thee!!’ I would stand up and the rest of the folk there would stare at me in wonder and envy over this amazing word that she was speaking into my life.

Well, it didn’t happen. I waited and waited and she went around speaking to this person (YOU THERE!!) and that person, but not to me. Oh, everything in me was crying out in frustration and EGO – hey lady!! what about ME!? It was getting late, and I knew it would go on for awhile. I knew I had to head home, so I took my sorry self out of the building, licking my wounded pride all the way.

And as I am heading home, I am sort of saying this to Him ‘Well, thanks a lot, that would have been great for me you know. ‘ I moaned and moaned and shed some lovely self pity tears. Kept moaning to Him, what about me,  what about me – well you may even know that drill…I was real worked up. Finally, huff huff, He speaks to me.

Him ‘ Do you hear from Me?’

Me ‘Yes, you know I do’

Him ‘ Then why do you think you have to hear about you from someone else? You don’t need someone else to prophesy over you when you can come to me directly’

Me ‘emm, yes’ then me, silence…thinking, working something out. I’m thinking, why did I want Isabel to prophesy over me? What was that about.

Him ‘Motives?’ He’s asked me this a few times over the last few years. What are my motives for wanting something.

And that is when I knew. I wanted to be the special one, the chosen one. I wanted my ego to be stroked in public and to be made a big fuss over. And that made me feel quite ashamed of myself. I said ‘Sorry Lord’ and He knew and He knows and that is what is just so cool about Him. He makes a big fuss over us, even when we’ve been stamping our sorry little feet and throwing tantrums like two year olds.

Really really really, when He reveals to us the matters of our heart, the matters that potentially block Him out of our lives, it’s huge. It’s so heart touchingly beautiful, because all He wants is to love on us and for us to love on Him. Unconditionally.

I omce said to God, ‘ God, I want a Moses experience with You. I want to see what he saw when You passed by and hid him in the rock’ So, do you want to know what He said back to me?

‘Do you want to go through what Moses went through to have that experience?’ You know, He sort of left it hanging there – the choice was really up to me.

Hmm, emmm, I thought – 4o years in the wilderness? Leading a group of complaining, bitter people who would rather sit in the mess and discomfort they know, rather than trusting You and going through it?

I said, ‘Thanks Lord, think I’ll pass on that one’

Silence

If you have ever had this sort of experience, I would love to know!

Have you ever felt like your options have run out? Like you’ve been pushed into a corner (of your own making…) and don’t know what to do or where to turn?

I reached that point in the early summer of 2006. My husband, Sebastian, had been made redundant from his job in the December of 2005. It wasn’t an easy time for anyone, particularly him. I remember praying one day and asking God, ‘What can I do to help Sebastian?’ He said two things back to me (I even remember where I was sitting at the time – in my car behind a Marks and Spencers!). He said ‘ Buy a camera and Isaiah 61′.

You see, for two years since He had told me what He had wanted me to do, I had put it off. Procrastinated. I thought that I had some major mission to fulfill with my life and He wanted me to do t shirts? Don’t get me wrong here, I was up for the t shirt idea, after all I had been searching, but I was waiting for the rest of the mission to be revealed to me….and all I was getting was t shirts. Hmmm, talk about pride (who, me?).

I wrestled daily with pride, insecurity, doubt and fear. Had I heard God correctly? T shirts? What difference would they make to a sad, hungry world? Where was my BIG MISSION with ‘DEBORAH PAUL – GLOBAL AMBASSADOR’ written? I would say back to Him, whenever He reminded me of the t shirts, ‘But Lord, these are just t shirts!” and I often felt a slight rush of wind over my head, as if someone was gently smacking me over the head! And He would always reply ‘ These are not just any t shirts, they are My t shirts”. Still, I put it, and Him off. Ever done that?

So, back to the day in the car and the camera….(I ignored the Isaiah 61 bit). I could do that part! I hadn’t really wanted to go back into photography, but I figured, hey, it’s just a camera. I was willing to be a little obedient, but not fully. I would buy the camera to get the Big Guy off my back, but then not really do much with it (at least that was my thinking – I forgot and still do that He can see the attitudes of our heart!!). I went and bought a new camera, digital, just to freak me out ( I was an old-fashioned photographer..). It sat in my cupboard for awhile.

Now, fast forward to May 2006. I am sitting in the car again outside the boys’ school (I once asked Him why I always heard Him so clearly when I was in my car and He replied that it was the only time I took to speak to Him – ouch!). So this time I am crying and asking Him what to do because Sebastian has still not got a job and the money is running low, really really low…And He says to me ‘Isaiah 61′ and I say to Him ‘But LORD!! They are just t shirts!” and He says to me – and reader, I want you to catch this, hold on to this point, because it is one of the most important lessons I have learnt. He said so quietly, so quickly, that I knew it was a God thought ‘If you don’t start Isaiah 61 I will pass you by and find someone else to do this for Me, because this is a job I want done’ (Selah, pause calmly and think on that….) Wow, that took me by complete and utter surprise. I mean, I was offended! How dare you pass me up?! this is my little business! this is MINE MINE MINE! and by the way God, do you know who I am?

I have never really shared the story about how Isaiah 61 was born, or came into being. So, I think it’s time to honour what was put in my heart back in 2004. If you can bear with me, read on….

My name is Deborah Paul and I ‘officially’ started Isaiah in the summer of 2006. I had worked as a photographer for about 12 years and after starting  our family – I knew that I didn’t want to go back into that lifestyle. I suppose I fell into that rut that a lot of mothers do – the kids are getting a bit older, I’ve changed enough nappies for a lifetime, wiped noses, kissed cuts, walked to school …and then one day you wake up and say to yourself ‘Is this it?’ Don’t get me wrong, as every mother would say, I love my kids. LOVE LOVE LOVE. They mean the world to me but I know that I can’t justify my existence through them.

So, I was searching. I was looking for a something to do, something that had meaning and a purpose. Something that would honour God.

I was having lunch one day in the Wagamama behind Selfridges (I live in London, in case you don’t know!) with my best friend Maria. We were talking about ideas and what I could do with the time I had ( plus the kids, plus the husband, plus the house – you know all the ‘pluses’ that life brings ‘oh and you want meaning too?!…”). One of the ideas bounced around that day was t shirts, how cool it would be to make up some great slogans that reflected what I believed in (GOD) but in a fashionable way. I left Wagamama and my beloved M, turned onto Oxford Street and the Lord spoke to me.

I didn’t hear a loud booming voice, there was no major fanfare about it, it was just a knowing that it was Him and not me. And this is what He said.

‘I want you to start a t shirt company that will take my word out onto the streets. My children are not coming into churches anymore, my church is on the street. I want you to market me and brand me. Make me recognisable like French Connection (this is an important point to me as I was standing outside of French Connection at the time and they had just launched their FCUK Campaign. I found that campaign pretty offensive – so many kids walking around with negative statements on their t shirts, speaking negative words over their lives…it saddened me – I wanted to do something that would counter-balance that, counter attack it if you may…).

So, as I was saying…’Make me recognisable, but with messages that will make a difference in the world and speak life into peoples’ lives’. You see, I believe that God puts dreams and visions into our hearts and then, at the right moment, speaks them into life in your being – you come into agreement with what He is saying and He starts to use you.

He said, ‘I want you to call the company Isaiah 61 and I want you to put a small cross on the right hand shoulder, to remind yourself of who you are and what you have to carry.’ You always know when something is truly divinely inspired, that little cross on the back of our t shirts has made such an impact on people who have bought the products. It always amazes me that the simplest ideas are often the most profound.

He was very clear with me about how the t shirts were to look – fashionable! Sell to the same French Connection (and others) customer, but I struggled with the ‘Brand Me’ bit. I thought (and said to him!!) ‘How can I brand You? You’re God!’ Two years later, He showed me and confirmed what He had said – that can come perhaps in Chapter Two of this story!

It’s been quite a journey these past five years, one that I have often wanted to walk away from. One that has brought me so much happiness, but also so many dark nights of the soul. I want to use this blog to tell you the story of Isaiah and me. Together. Oh, yes and perhaps more importantly, of my relationship with Him (I love Him so much…his patience with me simply astounds me…). At this moment in time, I have no idea what the future holds for us. Isaiah has become like my third child and he is growing up and needs a lot of care and attention. But one thing I do know with all of the certainty in my heart, is that while I have no idea what is going on, He does. He is in control and I trust Him. I know He only wants the best for Isaiah and for me. if you can bear to, read the next installement in our little history soon.

Much love and God bless,

Deborah x

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann c.1920

This, for me, is one of the most profound writings I have ever read. I hope it brings you great peace and pleasure and that you are able to ‘Go Placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence’.
I once read that silence is God’s first language.

dp