I’m not sure if you are anything like me. You see, I struggle with the whole ’servant heart’ thing, the whole mentality that I am here to serve. You see, I know it in my head, but my heart says something very different. It became very apparent to me over this Christmas, where we have had family to stay, friends coming and going and me? Well ‘grumpy’ sums me up pretty well. Grumpy that my time is not my own, grumpy that I have to be kind and loving when I don’t feel like it -gosh, that is SUCH a tough one, eh?

Maybe it’s because I have been asking Him to show me the attitudes of my heart that block me from knowing Him more intimately that I feel I have had this overwhelming dump of revelation!

So, I am sitting in my kitchen watching the rain come down and hearing nothing but that and the sound of my son Gabriel watching cartoons next door and I feel, hmmm, peaceful. But it’s always the way isn’t it? When there is no major strife to contend with, we can do ‘peace’. What I really really desire is to feel this peaceful in the midst of the chaos. When relationships get strained (as they do with families and what is it about Christmas that makes it so bad?!). That is when I want to remember that I am a servant and I can choose to wear love instead of my cloak of grumpiness (well, like body armour really – that sort of ‘don’t mess with me look…’). So, actually I am also sitting here feeling rather ashamed of myself. I always thought this God stuff would be easy, you know, ask, receive etc etc…but actually we need to partner with Him in bringing the change about.

I want to tell you a story about the first time I really understood the servant thing. I had just started Isaiah properly (about three years after He had asked me too!) and I was needing to get some business cards printed. You see, I was off to my first festival with the t shirts and the idea, and I was full of hope and anticipation. My graphic designer rang me one day and said ‘What title do you want on your business card?’ Now, I really struggle with titles, don’t know why exactly, just always have. I think it’s something to do with being defined by what I ‘do’ rather than who I ‘am’. Anyway, I was driving down to pick up the boys from school and Michael, my graphic guy, needed an answer asap.

So, I am in the car and I am speaking to Him about it and what I should call myself on the business card.

CEO? I said..

Him: ‘But I run the company and I am the CEO’

ME: ‘oh yeah, well how about Managing Director?”

Him: ‘Well, Jesus does that job pretty well’

Me: ‘Okay! I know (and reader, this is the one I really wanted as I love this title because to me it sounds so cool) How about Creative Director?’

boy, was I excited about this one…

Him: ‘Where do you get all of your creative ideas from?’

Then, He dropped a word gently into my heart and I knew right then that He was right. It hurt a bit, because it sounded so not of this world and I was struggling with the idea of having it say that on my business card.

I said ‘ Are you serious? Do you really really want me to write that on my business card? I mean, that will look a bit weird, won’t it?’

He very kindly told me that I didn’t need to write it on my business card, in fact I didn’t need to write any title on my business card. Just my name. Plain and simple.

But the word that He dropped into my heart that day?

SERVANT

Then He very gently told me to remember who I was and that servant was a very high calling indeed. That humbled me, totally got me on my knees.